From Isolation to Belonging: How I Made Friends From Scratch After Moving Abroad

Table of Contents

• TL;DR

• Key Takeaways

• My Story: Landing in a Parallel Universe

• The Reality of Starting Over

• Friendship Breakthrough Strategies

  • 1. Saying Yes, Even When It Was Awkward

  • 2. Finding Groups That Matched My Identity

  • 3. Using Digital Tools with Purpose

  • 4. Making the First Move

  • 5. Focusing on Depth Over Numbers

• Invisible Barriers I Had to Overcome

• Fun Fact: The Science of Friendship in Adulthood

• Expert Insight: Why Immigrant Networks Take Time

• FAQ

• Navigating Home Connections

• Final Thoughts: Community Is Built, Not Found

• Call to Action

TL;DR

Moving to a new country without knowing anyone is deeply isolating, but connection is possible. Through small, brave actions, shared spaces, and intentional outreach, I built a meaningful circle that now feels like home.

Key Takeaways

• Say yes early, even when it feels uncomfortable.

• Find communities aligned with your true interests and identity.

• Use online platforms intentionally as bridges, not substitutes.

• Be proactive - initiate invitations.

• Prioritise deep, meaningful connections over quantity.

My Story: Landing in a Parallel Universe

Moving from South Africa to Perth, Australia, felt like stepping into a parallel universe. Everything looked familiar—blue skies, beaches, shopping malls—yet nothing felt like home.

The isolation hit harder than jetlag. I’ve always valued deep connections, but suddenly, I didn't have even casual acquaintances.

If you've relocated to Australia, the UK, US, or Canada, you might recognise this feeling: the excitement fades, and the challenge of building a social circle as an adult immigrant becomes real.

The Reality of Starting Over

In that first month, I felt invisible walking through crowded shopping centres. I mourned the easy comfort of friendships built over decades.

Even simple interactions were exhausting. 'How are you going?' someone would ask as they walked past. I'd stop and reply, 'Good and you?' not understanding that in Australia, this was often just a passing greeting requiring no response. They'd keep walking, leaving me standing there awkwardly mid-sentence, wondering what I'd done wrong.

Anxiety, cultural gaps, and introversion made me want to withdraw. But isolation took a heavy toll on my mental health.

Something had to change.

Friendship Breakthrough Strategies

1. Saying Yes, Even When It Was Awkward

Three months after arriving, I said yes to a mother's group. It was awkward at first, standing at the edge of the circle while others chatted easily. But by the end, I exchanged numbers with another mum who invited me to a playdate the following week.

Each "yes" built social momentum.

Lesson: Confidence comes later. Courage comes first.

2. Finding Groups That Matched My Identity

Instead of blending into newcomer groups, I sought spaces that matched my passions:

• A tennis club where physical activity created natural conversation
• A church where shared values provided a community
• The local library, where I became a volunteer storytime reader

Lesson: Shared interests create natural bonds beyond nationality.

3. Using Digital Tools with Purpose

Rather than endless scrolling, I used technology strategically:

• Joined local Facebook groups.

• Used Meetup.com for events aligned with my passions.

• Met some interesting people, usually other migrants through Bumble BFF

While digital platforms were crucial for making initial connections, I found that setting a personal rule helped me maintain balance. After matching with someone on Bumble BFF or connecting in a Facebook group, I would suggest an in-person meetup within two weeks. This prevented endless online chatting that never translated to real friendship. I also limited my scrolling through social media from back home to specific times, which helped me stay emotionally present in my new location rather than constantly looking backward.

Lesson: Technology can build bridges, but only if used intentionally.

4. Making the First Move

Friendship wasn't going to find me, I had to find it.

• I invited a mum for coffee

• Organised casual dinners.

• Suggested weekend walks.

Over time, I developed a "3-invitation rule"—I would initiate three times with a potential friend. If they never reciprocated after that, I'd redirect my energy elsewhere while staying cordial. This protected me from one-sided relationships while giving genuine connections enough space to develop.

Lesson: Adults already have full calendars. Be the one who invites.

5. Focusing on Depth Over Numbers

Rather than gathering dozens of contacts, I invested in a few meaningful friendships.

Being vulnerable, sharing my struggles and culture, turned polite chitchat into real connection.

Lesson: Authenticity attracts the right people.

Invisible Barriers I Had to Overcome

Microjudgments and Stereotypes:

• I encountered assumptions about my South African background.

• Some jokes and comments stung.

I learned to educate lightly, choose inclusive spaces, and protect my energy.

Introversion Challenges:

• I scheduled recharge time before and after social events.

• I started conversations on topics I cared about.

Anxiety:

• I reminded myself that most people think about themselves, not about judging me.

• Structured activities helped ease the pressure.

Fun Fact: The Science of Friendship in Adulthood

Research shows it takes around 200 hours to transition from acquaintance to close friend. If it feels slow, that's normal—and worth it.

Expert Insight: Why Immigrant Networks Take Time

Dr. Antoinette Grosse explains that moving strips away "social capital." Rebuilding relationships takes time, intentionality, and emotional courage. You’re not failing, you’re starting from zero.

FAQ

How long does it typically take to build meaningful friendships?

Expect 1–2 years. The first six months are often the hardest.

Should I wait until my English improves before making friends?

No! Friendships grow through shared moments, not perfect language.

I feel like I'm always initiating—is that normal?

Yes. As a newcomer, initiation falls on you at first. Remember that many locals don't understand what it's like to build a social circle from scratch, so their lack of initiation isn't necessarily disinterest.

How do I handle homesickness while building a new circle?

Homesickness and building new connections aren't mutually exclusive. I found it helpful to designate specific times for connecting with home (Sunday video calls with family, for example) while deliberately keeping other days open for local activities. Creating hybrid traditions also helped; hosting a braai (South African barbecue) for my new Australian friends allowed me to share my culture while building new memories. When homesickness hit hardest, I'd acknowledge it rather than push it away, then channel that energy into one small action toward local connection. Remember that integrating your new and old worlds is a strength, not a weakness.

What's the biggest mistake immigrants make in building friendships?

Expecting friendships to form like they did back home. Adult friendships, especially cross-culturally, require more effort.

Navigating Home Connections

An unexpected aspect of building new friendships was navigating relationships back home. Some friends in South Africa seemed to think I'd replaced them and pulled away. I learned to be gentle but honest, explaining that I wasn't moving on from them but needed to invest in local connections for my wellbeing. Even from afar, the friends who supported my journey often became even closer despite the distance, while some relationships naturally evolved into more occasional connections. This reshuffling of your social universe is normal and necessary, though rarely discussed in the immigrant experience.

Final Thoughts: Community Is Built, Not Found

Three years after landing in Perth, I had a community. This has evolved again as life circumstances changed, but the skills I learned in those early days of connection-building have served me well through each transition.

Belonging wasn’t something I found. It’s something I created.

You can, too.

Keep showing up. Keep reaching out. Keep trusting that your people are out there.

If you're navigating the emotional journey of connection, confidence, and rebuilding your identity abroad, let's explore it together.

Book your free 30-minute connection call → www.hayleysheppard.com/contactdetails